The Uncorked Conversation
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The Uncorked Conversation Podcast with Allyson Scammell
Episode #3: The Tricky Emotion of Defeat + How It Sabotages Our Efforts
You are listening to the Uncorked Conversation with Allyson Scammell episode number three. Hello and welcome to the Uncorked Conversation, a podcast for soul guided passion filled women entrepreneurs who want to unpack big magic in life and business without burning out.
We’ll get to the truth. Of how to uncork your core gifts, the ones we keep hidden inside, and how to infuse those gifts.
Into our personal and professional life in a way that feels like magic. We’ll also uncover how to truly experience the joy of the journey through smart time management and planning. I’m your host Allyson Scammell. Let’s uncork.
Hello and welcome to Episode 3. I’m so excited about today’s topic. I’m also thrilled to look out the window and see leaves sprouting on the trees. The sun is out which in Brussels is quite an extraordinary thing. And spring is definitely in the air.
Today’s topic is about the five facets of defeat that sabotage our efforts without us even knowing. This topic is hugely important for entrepreneurs business owners and anyone who wants to come out of their comfort zone challenge themselves and start creating and offering up pieces of themselves to people that you feel called to serve.
This topic really was driven home to me at the end of last year when I was doing an intensive planning process for 2018 for my business and I mapped out exactly how many hours I wanted to work.
Which weeks I would work, what offerings I would offer how much I was going to charge and I came up with a financial target for the year and it was perfect. It just felt good because I had done all the research and I had brought in past experience and I had really done a thorough exploration so I knew I had arrived to the right financial target for 2018.
Once I was done patting myself on the back I was flooded with thoughts such as I can never make that much. My market is too saturated. I will be too busy.
I have too many competing priorities so I took each thought one by one and I asked myself if I could really know that the thought was true. And then I asked myself what emotion I felt when I thought the thought. And after each and every limiting belief that came as a result of the financial target I set out for myself for 2018 I felt the emotion defeat.
I felt defeated.
And that brings me to facet number, one defeat is very much an emotion. It’s those times we feel defeated or demoralized or overcome by adversity and one dictionary definition for defeat that I find particularly of interest is a coming to not not means non-existence or nothingness.
So being defeated can feel like coming to nothingness. In other words we feel like our efforts were for nothing. Thus we feel like giving up. So it’s a powerful emotion.
The feeling of defeat feeling powerful bouts of defeat. Can steer us to giving up. And this brings me to facet number two of defeat. When do we feel defeated. Most often we feel defeated after we determine that we have failed at something.
The emphasis here is that we determine when we have failed. It’s a judgment call that only we can make for ourselves. How many times have you done something and felt that it just fell flat and someone else a friend a loved one an ideal client said wow what you just did was amazing. Exact same circumstance but you determined it was a failure.
Someone else determined it was a success. Why this is important that we determine our success and our failure brings me to Fassett number three of defeat. And this facet comes as a result of the time we live in the information age in the Information Age we receive instant feedback on what we offer in the form of social proof in the form of the number of likes followers shares subscribes. Thus most of us have adopted a quantitative view of success over a qualitative.
In other words we can determine that 1000 random likes on Facebook means more or is more successful than one true meaningful connection from one person who tells us that what we offered them changed their life or brought it new meaning. We’ve also been culturally conditioned for instant gratification that comes with social media numbers.
So we can get hung up on the numbers and determine whether we have succeeded or failed. Based on a high numeric response rate on social media or on whatever platform we’re using instead of using the one or two or three real qualitative feedback from our ideal people that what we’re doing is really making a meaningful difference in their life.
They’re feeling served in some way. And now we arrive to facet number four of defeat which is actually the trickiest. It’s really the culprit that sabotages our efforts without us knowing. So let’s review the bidding here. We put something out there in the world let’s say we write a blog post. We share that blog post and we don’t receive the number of likes, subscribes, shares, comments that we’d hope for. Thus we determine that we failed the resulting emotion of that determination is defeat.
So we feel defeated we feel demoralized and overcome by adversity. If we don’t recognize and release. That emotion of defeat the next time we sit down to write a blog post we will tune in to the feelings we felt the last time we were sitting down at the creative process table and we will create from that place that demoralized place and we will do that very often without even knowing then. We will put that blog post out in the world again.
And we will not get the numbers that we want. And it’s possible we’ll overlook the one person who comes back and said that the blog post really meant something to them. Then we will again make the determination that we failed. And again we’ll feel that emotion of defeat and we will arrive at that coming to not that nothingness.
That feeling of giving up and we may or may not at that point give up depending how many times we’ve gone through that and maybe the last thing in the world we need to do is give up. And this brings me to the fifth and final facet of defeat that we need to understand that the creative process means doing something over again and again and again until we find the right formula. Overnight success is very rare.
Most seemingly overnight successes have spent years putting themselves out there time and time again because that’s how you do it. You create something. Offer it to your people get feedback tweak and refine and do it again. That’s how practice makes perfect. That’s how we improve and grow. We don’t put ourselves out there once or twice to and we fail because we didn’t get enough likes on Facebook and then give up.
That is not honoring the creative process that is defining the creative process is not how it works. So how can we work with the creative process. How can we create from a place of abundance Love Connection contribution. How can we. Tweak our definition of success to one of qualitative in nature creating for just one person and not the masses. How can we turn the five facets of defeat around.
First we understand that defeat is a norm more motion perfectly normal healthy emotion that shows up when we determine we failed at something and we can use this. We think this emotion for showing up because we use it as awareness and we ask then the question what exactly my failing at.
What have I determined that I am failing at what specifically is the thought. Is it simply I have failed? Is it I’m not a good enough writer? I’m not a good enough coach? I’m not a good enough actor? I’m not a good enough fill in the blank. Is that a version of I am too much I am too much presence. I am overpowerful.
What is the thought? What specifically are we failing at? Then ask yourself how you got to that thought.
Why was the indicator that you used to determine that you failed. Was it quantitative in nature. Was it that you didn’t get enough Facebook likes, sales, subscribes, shares, Pinterest pins, whatever it is and so because you didn’t get the number that you wanted you just said I’m not good enough at x y or z.
Thus I have failed thus I am feeling defeated. I’m feeling overcome by adversity. If indeed your indicator was quantitative how can you turn it to a qualitative indicator meaning you’re considering the qualitative feedback from one or two or three ideal clients who came back to you and said hey that blog post you wrote really spoke to me.
Or maybe they said you know what I really loved. Some of the writing you were doing a few months ago but now what you’re doing isn’t speaking to me and it’s someone you know that that person is your ideal audience. It is your target and they’re giving you really good feedback of how maybe you need to tweak and refine to make it better for next time.
Either way you’re getting good qualitative feedback regarding how you can do things the same or you might need to do things differently for next time.
And when you get to that next time before you start creating before you start writing your blog post. Check in. How are you feeling. What are your emotions are you feeling defeated overcome by adversity or are you feeling a sense of love connection contribution excitement. If you’re feeling defeat just so with that emotion.
Don’t stuff it inside don’t ignore it just be with it. Take some deep breaths and do it allow yourself to let it go. Fan think about your one person your one ideal client. You’re writing for. And think about the type of connection you want to make with her. Think of how you want to serve her entertain her. Help her tune into those emotions of love connection contribution and create from that abundant loving place.
And then last but not least understand and accept and embrace. And align yourself with that which is the creative process which is putting yourself out there. Getting feedback tweaking and refining what you’ve done and then doing it again. That’s how it’s done.
That’s how we improve. That’s how we grow. That is the joy of the journey right there. My challenge for you is to tweak your definition of success to one that is qualitative one that has in mind one or two or three of your ideal people the people that you most want to serve. Then tune into that person when you create whatever it is you’re creating.
And feel the emotional connection and love and servitude and contribution and balance you feel creating for your ideal people and create from that place understand in the early days of the creative process when we’re so craving that instant gratification of numbers large numbers in the form of social proof that if we release that attachment on those numbers and we create from love from abundance from our heart that in time and with commitment and perseverance those numbers that we so desperately seek will come but they will come not because they are a goal they will just be a byproduct of creating from the heart for the people we’re here to serve.
So that’s all I have for today my friends. If you’re feeling at all connected to this podcast I ask you to please subscribe and give it a rating and review so more people can find us. And until next time.
Stay uncorked. Bye bye. Want to join a band of rebel dreamers and schemers become part of our private Facebook group. The Uncorked Cabal, we’re dreaming up new ways to uncork big magic in life and business without burning out. Find a link to join on my website shantipax.com, that’s shantipax dot com